On Gender / “Bigender” ?

My concept of my own sexuality and gender have been works in progress since I was a kid.  I never felt like a “normal” (if there is such a thing) girl, but I also never once felt like I was born into the wrong body. I could never put it into words.  When puberty hit, I noticed that I was checking out both the guys and the gals.  I knew that something was immediately wrong with me (my take on it as a child..I’m perfectly content in my pansexuality, now).

I never felt comfortable in dresses or overly-feminine clothing, “girly” colours, or heels. It felt unnatural to me.  I’d experiment in secret with boys’ clothing that I’d sneak into dressing rooms with the girls’ clothing I was trying on, but those didn’t feel natural to me either.  I wore sweats, t-shirts that hid my body, and jeans for most of my pre-teen and teenage years. I absolutely refused to wear makeup.  I dyed my hair black to blend in with the background (most of my clothing was black, too). I didn’t want anyone to notice me.

Present day: I couldn’t say “I’m comfortable in my own skin” and feel that I’m being truthful. Far from it! I’ve a plethora of issues that I’m working through, mainly body dysmorphic disorder (seeing flaws in yourself that are not really there…in my case, I see a deformed, obese reflection of myself when I look in the mirror…and yet when I see photos of myself, I sometimes think “Whoa, I’m hot!! Why don’t I see THAT when I look at myself?”  It’s fucked up). I’m working through on and off bouts of Bulimarexia, trying to find myself again after going through the trauma suddenly losing my mother (and it wasn’t just simply losing her, I had to remove her from life support…you can’t just walk away from that a well-adjusted person). All of this nonsense, and on top of that I’ve still got the confusion of my gender rattling around in my noggin there.

My current look could fall into the description of typical female, I suppose, if you’re not looking closely enough.  I’m always wearing jeans, either boots or sneakers (never heels), my hair is long and highlighted by lemon juice that I blow dry into it, and I do wear makeup.  I also wear both men’s cologne and women’s perfume, depending on my mood. I wear t-shirts usually, both men’s and women’s, form-fitting. I’m not a fan of jewellery except for the septum barbells that I wear as earrings and my nose ring. I carry a handbag out of necessity, and even those are never overly-feminine.  Usually more on the punk-rock/emo side.  I NEVER wear lipstick. This is going overboard with makeup for me, for some reason. Always has been. I’ve had this bizarre aversion to my own body hair since I started growing it, and only allow the hair on my head and my eyebrows to coexist with me. Everything else has been waxed/shaved since I was a teen, even my arms.

I feel like I have to maintain a balance between male and female, or else I’ll shut down and won’t be able to function.  I’ve actually experienced this. I’ve tried on dresses, and had anxiety attacks. I also tried on a tux once as a costume, and it had the same effect. I have to remain in-between or else I cannot function.

Gender fluidity, as I understand it, is an ebb and flow between genders. There is no ebb and flow with me. I feel like I always am and always have been both male and female at the same time. My sexuality reflects this in the same way. Without going into too much detail there, I’ve had different experiences with different partners who wanted different things, and everything just always felt natural (whereas some women would absolutely freak out at the roles being reversed, when with male partners).  I’ve never felt that I was in the wrong body, but I’ve also wondered what it would be like to experience certain things in a male body. But I’m sure that’s natural. But is it natural to feel like you’ve been cheated, in a sense?  I can’t have both, so it makes absolutely no sense, I know!

So here’s the point of this rambling…if I don’t feel 100% female and I don’t feel like I’m a male trapped in a female body, and I don’t fit the description of “gender fluid”, then what the hell am I? Is there such a thing as “Bigender”? I’m not about the label…it’d just be nice to FINALLY figure myself out! And why me? Why can’t I just be one of the shiny happy people who fit in somewhere and don’t always have to question everything?

I hope this at least helps someone else out there find solace in the fact that you’re not alone, if you’re feeling the same way.  Or maybe I really am the only one like this. I dunno.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled internetting!

::disclaimer:: I know someone is going to rip me a new one, saying “There’s more than one gender, you know!!” I know. I didn’t know how else to word it other than to simplify it with “bigender”. Getting all of this down into coherent written word was a miracle for me, so bear with me! :/